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All of us have been hurt by someone or will be hurt by someone at some point in our lives.
Sadly, it’s a fact of life and to move on you must forgive.
But sometimes forgiving can be really, really hard.
It seems easier to harbor hate and refuse to forgive. It’s as if being unforgiving is supposed to negatively impact the other person. (Most of the time, it doesn’t).
Personally, it was really difficult for me to forgive my parents. My parents raised me in a strict household where there was abusive behavior.
This has impacted me as an adult in ways I wish it hadn’t. I’ve had to work through this and I’m getting better with the grace of God.
You might share a similar story or maybe your story looks a little different. Regardless, forgiving is an essential aspect of letting go and moving forward.
What does it mean to forgive?
Many well-meaning people have different ideas of what forgiveness is. Before going into what forgiveness is, I want to outline what it’s not.
Forgiveness is NOT:
- forgetting the offense
- saying the injustice is okay
- always a quick process
- never feeling the pain of the offense ever again
- reconciling with the person who hurt you
Forgiving means you are choosing to let go of the offense that was committed against you. It involves the act of surrendering vengeful and bitter feelings. You are letting go and moving forward.
Why is forgiveness important?
Forgiveness is important because it allows you to let go and move forward.
I love these two quotes on forgiveness.
“Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”~ Nelson Mandela
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that prisoner is you” ~ Lewis B. Smedes
We think it’s hurting the other person when we don’t forgive. Really, it’s only hurting ourselves. We pay the price for not forgiving. When we don’t forgive, we hold bitterness in our hearts.
In the end, forgiving is for yourself, not for the other person.
The Forgiveness Exercise
Forgiveness can be really hard, but it’s needed. When I started seeing a therapist, she shared this exercise with me. It’s helped me and I wanted to share it with my readers to hopefully help you too!
Instructions:
- Have paper and a writing utensil ready.
- Write down the name of the person at the top of the paper.
- Write down all the offenses this person has committed against you.
- Think of a price point for each of these offenses. How much is each of these offenses worth to you? Put down the price next to each offense.
- Add up the price of each offense and come up with a total. Put the total underneath what you’ve written.
There’s something about putting a number on each offense. At first, it seemed a bit silly for me to do this but it put things in a different perspective for me. I kept this piece of paper with my counselor.
Week after week, she’d ask me if the price of any of the offenses had lowered or dissipated. Forgiveness can take a while, and that’s completely okay.
After a few months, I was able to completely forgive everything I had written on that piece of paper. It was encouraging to see my progress. It made me really proud of myself.
We ended the exercise by praying. Forgiveness is a daily process. It’s not a “one-and-done” sort of thing. She reminded me of this and encouraged me to continue to forgive my parents and not regress.
Now, I want to encourage you to do the same. I hope this exercise helps you forgive. Please let me know in the comments below if this post has helped you. I wish you well! 🙂
For more resources:
“It’s as if being unforgiving is supposed to negatively impact the other person. (Most of the time, it doesn’t).” So true! And I love that you suggested the John MacArthur book. I love his writing. You can’t read it without being moved to so some serious thinking.
Thank you. I love John MacArthur and I agree. His books are thought-provoking!
Awesome read! It really touched me. I love that you mentioned that forgiveness doesn’t mean to forget or saying what happened to you is okay. Rather to learn to move on from it and not let it negatively affect you anymore.
Thank you! Yes, there’s a lot of confusion around what forgiveness really is. I can only hope to clear things up for others. 🙂
Writing things down really helpful! I love that you incorporate this when forgiving something. What a great perspective in this article.
Thank you! It’s helped me out and I just want to share the knowledge and hopefully help others.
Your posts are so sincere and helpful. Forgiveness is truly one of the hardest things to overcome, but once you do, it’s a million times worth it.
Thank you for the reminder to practice forgiveness daily, in all things!
Thank you I really appreciate your comment. <3 It really is difficult, but so worth it!
Very insightful and interesting! Sometimes forgiving becomes really tough. Thank you for the tips!
Thank you!